Let me update about yesterday.I wanted to update yesterday one, but end up too tired that i forgot.
I went online about 2am yesterday and razi msn me about whether wanting to go and send amanda and carel off. So i agree and we met up at 5 and take a bus to the budget terminal at around 5 plus. But sadly, our surprise was unsuccessful as amanda found me when i was buying mac for breakfast. Dam unlucky but still glad to be able to send them off. Have a chat with them..
Then sending them off, me and razi head back to tampines and go to gym. My first time going gym... I went to train there with razi and met Jia De there. Lols i was kinda shocked hahas. Anyway, train for an hour or two.... Quite tired and intended to go for afa with the jcg member but end up didnt cruz need to pay 20 buck for the entrance fee. Argh. Whatever and head back home and sleep like mad.
Well one thing happened is that razi was making fun of me while we were talking on the way. He remembered the day when the hirouka was having ice breaking games and there was this game where u have to find an adjective with the same letter as your name and say it together, like Friendly Furqaan or Amazing Amanda. And cruz i cant find an adjective with the letter Z, so i have to head for C. So i say Crazy Chan Zhen Hong... Let me remind you guys, I have no choice but to choose that. And end up it turned out to be a funny thing for razi now. He keep on saying it. But to me is was so embassassing. I cant believe i have said that. I swear it torment me. And he keep making fun of me using that. Arghh... Forget it razi... Forget that part of me. It was seriously embassassing. Gosh. Forget that part, razi and the other member of the reverandoms. Dont remind me of that.
Anyway i woke up today with my right arm painfully. I cant even bend my arm now.
And i kinda have some problems with financial problems regarding about my appointment tomorrow. It was because my asshole father went to gamble again yesterday and end up no money. I cant believe what an asshole guy he is. He can just go gamble everytime with the punishment of having no money. I feel like killing him off. Seriously, if he were to die, i wont care at all. Rather my life would be better without him. Everytime, when we find he missing, we knew what coming sooner or later and he will call us for money to come back home. I hate this freaking father of mine. When can i get away with this life of mine. I really feel like theres no hope or any improvement in my life. Cant he just learn and get away with the gambling. Cant he just freaking know how painful is my life or even the family. Do he know how painfully is it to be always be having financial problems cruz of him. Just because of him!!! I actually can live a peaceful and not poor life. But because of him, theres no money in my bank. Because of him, we are so poor. Cant he just freaking understand us. And he claims that we are always using alot of money. But the fact is who is using more than us. Hundred plus dollar comparing with ten dollar plus?! Which is bigger!! In fact, if he were to think a woman is working for the family more than than him, do he still have the face or the cheek to be the house of the man.
I hate being poor...
I hate being a burden to my friends....
I hate my life...
Another things that is in my mind other than my ear problems is someone. Someone who is my good friend among the class. She seems to be getting farther and farther away from me. Like the relationship is getting more and more terrible. I guess its cruz of me. Even though i went to ask her if its my fault. but she claims that it wasnt me. Whether it is because of me or not. I just want to say I'm Sorry if i have hurt you or I have make you angry or upset. I wish we can go to school together again. Miss the times going to school together.
Guess I will be emo for a while but i will be fine in front of you all.
Bye
10:56 PM
Hey yo today is such a not bad day, except the quiz for french.
Today on french tutorial, I didnt know there's culture quiz, more like I forgot, how muddlehead, anyway, I try to choose the answer for the question. And guess what I get 2/10 LOLS... At least better than 0.
And after that meet up with linda and doreen. So long never see linda. My mei. She still the same. Then after that, wait for cynthia and carolyn and sean. Carol have something on and have to left and cannot accompany me. Never mind . Thanks though jiejie.
Then it was raining so heavily, that I wish i can sleep at home and because of it, we stay in ITAS and eat. Then head to polyclinic with sean, carolyn and sean's friend. And went and see doctor....
I wont say what happen or what thing. Cruz first I dont want people to worry or anything, or too much people to know too much about it, I just want the peaceful normal me in front of everybody, but now only a few people know... Those who accompany me to see doctor.That's all. Now just that I have some appointment made and I will be going for it on Monday. But having the fact that I have this appointment worries me....
Anyway, I wanna thanks Carolyn (korkor), Sean and his friend for accompanying me. Thanks.
While I was walking to polyclinic, i was so worried and scare that I told korkor about it. She tell me to relax and go. Thanks ^o^
I will be updating it soon .....
7:57 PM
Hey everyone, today is such a relax day though i didnt sleep again.
Today my class starts early and one of the earliest, 8am CMSK3. Trust me, a lot of people hates to wake up that early for class but no choice, anyway my lecturer is very funny ,so im not that sleepy in her class, or more like I cant.
Then have CMaths lecture... That one i confirm will sleep one. The aircon and the sleepy feeling...*drop dead*.
Then went home with carol, carolyn and cynthia.
Went to eat at yoshinya with Carolyn and cynthia. Trust me again, I rather go eat pizza liao. That shop, first the chicken for teriyaki, is bland and second the food with side dishes is so small that i rather eat pizza which is bigger or mac which is more full.
Then went home.
Sleep like a log and seriously what shocks me is just now.
If u see my twitter u will know what happen but I will just recount again.
Cruz My leg have some pain, I guess is the muscles is strain or something ,anyway, that not the main thing. So i decided to ask my mum to help me put medicine on my leg. And while putting the medicine, She asked me to get a girlfriend in poly. CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT SHE JUST ASKED ME?!
A GIRLFRIEND?! IN POLY?!
I was shocked that the fact that she asked me about this out of the cloud. I just tell her I have no time for that cruz I have studies. Then i went out and was like.... =.=. I'm seriously shocked and never expected it.
I think cruz my sis and bro have boyfriend and girlfriend already, so left me. Before my age, they already have people they liked and was dating. So end up, left me, who is still single, and then end up become like this.
Arghh.... whatever...
Ok anyway gg...
byebye
11:09 PM
Today i was late again in meetin Carol. I notice that the time is 9.10am and when i reach message from her. I was like wth, how come she so fast and end up i rush like mad and meet her up. Of course, it seems that my clock have some problem. Well, forgive me hahas.
Well today, for us, is totally a day almost without lunch. We have lessons all the way to 6oclock and actually we have a break in between and then end up that break is used for MOS lecture that we must go. But luckily before that break, NMT finish 30minutes earlier and hence, we went to eat.
And after Animation Programming, I went to talk to Mr rick about my hearing and he advised me to go see a doctor as soon as possible. Well, I intend to go on friday after my french with my friends.
Well, I feel a bit worried about seeing a doctor but no choice, I need to know the reason why is it like that and I have to admit. I did see a doctor before and they wanted to have x-ray and upon hearing that I told my mum that my hearing improved and we left the hospital with the medicine. Well, it is a lie because I didnt want my mum to spend too much money on it and i worried it costs a lot. Hence, I didnt have it. And the truth is It didnt improved much hahas.
Oh yeah, I bet a lot of people doesnt know much, even those people who I know in sec sch also do not know, my left ear cant hear at all. Even if you blast a music on my left ear, I also will not hear anything and my sis did experiment it on me once and I did it myself too. Well, is like i'm used to having hear with my right ear than my left one, you can also say that I depend on my right ear much. I do not know what the causes, but the last time I went to polyclinic is because of this. And I been living with it for a long time.Quite used to it. But now it worsened. So whether I'm willing or not, I have to go see a doctor, even Carol they all say, they will drag me to see doctor, by hook or by crook. Well, so end up this friday, I'm going to polyclinic.
And I need to go and study....
Bye
8:37 PM
Ok today My nightmare, or not, came true.
For Nmt I'm just plainly sitting there, reading the whole paper myself and not sure where the hell those people who read, read until where. So i'm kinda a blur and i just flipped my paper when ppl does. Poor Jia De beside me dunno what to highlight too.
Well, In the end I asked Carol to lend me hers and i copied from her. Then when i returned her the paper, I wrote a sentence back to her, "I feel like crying".
The feeling is very suck and serious, i feel like crying at that moment because I have to rely on people just to even taking notes.
And for presentation for mmp, luckily i think i managed to get away with a noob standard of work presented. And after that I was not even paying much attention to the teacher speaking about the submission and work to be done.
After that went home and sleep, cruz i didnt sleep the whole night yesterday.
And I shed some tears while thinking of things.
Then....
Wanted to go to sch for french and jcg, But i feel a bit sick and I wake up at 6, so no chance of wanting to go.
So basically, Today's life is still ok and I really hate about my life.
Ok bye...
11:26 PM
3 days after my last post.....
On sat and sunday, I have tried to rest more cruz i find that my bone are just so irritating that i feel like breaking them...
And also the fact that my hearing is still the same makes me more depressed....
I need to rely on people to help me out but I dun want to burden people because of this stupid hearing of mine.
The feeling sucks.
I hate to become a burden....
That time in JCG Halloween also, I nearly want to just kill myself when the helpers come and help and yet because of some problems in arranging the plans, they end up just sitting there.
Because of the stupid me being a burden.
The feelings really can make me feel like hating myself.
Why did i have this kind of life where my hearing is like this, when I have no talent in doing anything, When i'm a burden to people more than useful, When I have a irritating father of mine, When I have my sucking and lazy character of me and When I always regret things after that.....
Now I am scare of presentation and NMT.... Presentation is cruz when teacher ask me question or something, i cant hear what he/she says and have to ask them to repeat and when other people is presenting, I do not know what going on. For example, MOS. There was this presentation on the video we make.... and when people is presenting, half the time, nope, all of the time, I wasnt able to hear what other people was saying at all...In the past, if people was presenting, and I hear them well, I can take in some information about what I have to say or so on, sort of like an example to me. But on that day, I wasnt able to hear and I know my presentation was shorter than anyone else. And the teacher only asked me one question. This makes me worry about my result.
For nmt, cruz the teacher asks us to read the notes that we have like what is the important point and so on. But because of my hearing, I cant hear what my classmates says. End up, I'm in a bad situation that I have to always look at what Carol highlighting without understanding.
Basically now my life sucks to core that I feel why did i even have this kind of fate.
Now and then even when the bunch of people I'm with now and then or in school or outside school or at home, I'm trying to be normal at all times...
Only when I'm alone, I feel like crying and bursting my anger. But I still stay silence.
Guess i'm getting old already. If time comes that I will die, I will only wonder if people will rmb me or not. Whether I have concious of being a spirit or not.
Seems that I am really sucks. I even give one of my friend a positive comment not long ago and here I am emoing in my blog and making more blog more emo...Which i have tried not to as i promised my friends....
Tmr or more like today.... I will going to have my NMT and my presentation on MMP. Guess what...
Life that I have continued makes my way in walking this life more harder and tougher
I need to hold on my life to the day that I can get to see her soon
19 more days
And I will want to tell her my feelings after a long time.
Even if i fear from her reject and unable to be friends with her again, I want to tell her.
Oh ya one last thing, I will be fine, so people who knows about my hearing, just bear with me if I cant hear you or dunno what u talking. And I will be my normal self today one....
So bye....
2:57 AM
Happy Birthday to AMANDA....
Today is her birthday. And me,Carel, Allison, Aisyah, Razi, Nizham and Navin celebrate her birthday today.
We went to eat 18 chef and played some cheesecake on each other....
Well.. lols its fun.
I miss the days together. It so long just to see them and nizham like so long never see him.Must come out often.
It's a fun day and nevertheless, I will miss them....
Anyway Happy Birthday Amanda
12:22 AM
